I Don’t Want to Settle

I have been at a crossroads in my life for a very long time.

I am interested in/passionate about a lot of things.

I love writing. I love writing about things that I love, and writing has given me an avenue to express myself creatively.

I love music. Listening to it, writing about it, creating it — doesn’t matter to me.

I’m passionate about helping people. The specifics of the career don’t matter to me: I’m just passionate about doing something that adds real, legitimate value to people’s lives or to society at large (beyond monetary contributions).

I’m passionate about being fulfilled. Most of my life has been about doing things I never wanted to do, or about decisions being made for me that I never would’ve made for myself, or about settling with those uncomfortable decisions.

And on that note: I am terrified of settling.

I am terrified of the idea of settling for a career path that I know I will hate. I am terrified of settling for a life I don’t want to live. I am terrified that the capitalist, consumerist society that we live in will undoubtedly force me to settle with such a career path and such a life for the sole purpose of making enough money to live.

I am terrified because I feel like I’m running out of time, even though I’m not (or so I’ve been told).

I’m a senior in college. I’m supposed to graduate in a couple months.

Most of my time in school has been navigating a business major (that I hate) that’s preparing me for a life of corporatism (that I have no interest in living).

Everyday, I am stressed by not knowing what I’m going to do after I graduate. Everyday, I am stressed by not knowing what I’m going to do with my life.

And while putting off my passions to acquire money and resources is typically the advice given by higher-ups, it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still settling.

The same settling that I have had to do for over 20 years now.

I’m tired of settling.

Featured image by BenWill